“I genuinely WANT to feel happy for my partner as they are going on this date… I really do! But also, a big part of me is STRUGGLING!!!”
Counter-intuitive? Maybe. Unusual? Not at all!
As a dating & relationship coach, I hear about the paradox of jealousy and compersion coexisting (and often, creating an internal battle within one person) nearly every day.
This shows up for consensually non-monogamous folks when they feel caught between their compersive intentions, desires, and thoughts, and their feelings of jealousy (and/or associated emotions like grief, envy, anxiety, fear or abandonment, anger, etc.)
While holding this internal opposition is certainly uncomfortable (sometimes even torturous!) it isn’t all bad. In my view, a COMPERSTRUGGLE is a brave state that is ripe for self-inquiry and transformation.
What the heck is a COMPERSTRUGGLE?
Even though compersion is often characterized as the “opposite of jealousy”, it doesn’t mean the two can’t coexist. In fact (and this is confirmed by my research on compersion), they often do—in the same relationship, in the same person, and even in the same moment.
This is similar to our ability to experience opposite emotions like sadness and joy at the same time, as the word “bittersweet” conveys so well.
To put a name on and help normalize this little-known combination of emotions, my colleague and jealousy expert Dr. Joli Hamilton and I decided to coin a term for it: COMPERSTRUGGLE.
This is what we call the experience of sincerely wanting our loved ones to have a great time with others—aka having a compersive ATTITUDE—but at the same exact time, struggling with painful feelings of fear, threat, or jealousy.
Why do we experience COMPERSTRUGGLES?
First, because consensually non-monogamous relationships occur in the context of mononormativity, which is the set of social values and beliefs that elevate monogamy as the only valid and acceptable way to express intimacy. We were all brought up with beliefs and narratives that say that love must be exclusive to one person, otherwise it’s not real.
Transitioning to a paradigm of open non-monogamy is going against the grain of the culture we are embedded in. That is bound to create some conflicts between our inherited beliefs and values and our chosen beliefs and values.
Furthermore, compersion is something that is not even supposed to exist in the eyes of mononormativity. Having a compersive attitude, let alone compersive feelings, is an act of defiance to a whole system of social norms. No wonder it doesn’t always “come naturally.”
Second, non-monogamy rubs against our personal wounds—typically our fears of inadequacy, abandonment, undesirability, scarcity, and deficiency. It is normal to feel scared and torn up when we consciously agree to not be the only person fulfilling our partner’s sexual and emotional needs. These fears need to be soothed to make room for more compersion to arise.
If you’re experiencing a comperstruggle, I see you and you’re not alone! Here are a few things to remember, so you can lessen your suffering and harness the transformative potential of that state:
1. Normalize your comperstruggle.
Your comperstruggle is a completely normal and healthy human experience. Imagine seeing your best friend getting engaged when your partner of many years just broke up with you. Of course, you’re likely to feel empathic joy and envy at once—and that’s completely understandable! This does not make you defective: it makes you HUMAN.
In the context of consensual non-monogamy, this coexistence of jealousy and compersion is likely to happen A LOT. It’s okay to honor both. In fact, your ability to hold paradoxical emotions is a hallmark of emotional maturity.
Again, deprogramming mononormativity is not easy. We live in a society that teaches us from the moment we’re born that non-monogamy is bad and monogamy is good. It’s hard work to disentangle your emotional world from conditioned beliefs and assumptions. Give yourself a tap on the back for being willing to challenge the status quo of what you were taught!
2. Practice self-compassion when pain arises.
Non-monogamy is likely to trigger layers of emotional pain that you probably never had to deal with in monogamous relationships. You may feel inadequate, insecure, abandoned, betrayed, or deprived, even if your partner(s)’ behaviors are well within your relationship agreements. Remember that feeling pain doesn’t mean that your pain is bad. Actually, the fact that you can feel it means there’s a chance to heal it, and learn to access new sources of emotional safety within yourself and your relationships beyond sexual exclusivity.
Choosing a path less travelled requires a lot of patience, self-love, and compassion for yourself and your partners. If you are experiencing a comperstruggle, I highly recommend working with a CNM-informed therapist or coach, join a CNM community, and/or make friends with other non-monogamous people, so that you are not alone on this journey and get plenty of support.
3. Investigate the intelligence of your jealousy.
As my colleague and jealousy expert Dr. Joli Hamilton would say, jealousy is not your enemy: it is a source of information. Listen in.
Perhaps there is a real threat to your relationship that you need to be aware of. Maybe your partner or a metamour is acting in disrespectful, non-consensual, or abusive ways. Or maybe you were not in consent within yourself when you agreed to non-monogamy, and what you really want is a monogamous partnership. Or, your relationship agreements or communication may need a tuneup.
Or perhaps, nothing needs fixing and there’s a wounded part of you that is crying out for love or attention. Sometimes, letting ourselves feel our feelings without getting caught up in the “external story” can help us release old pain and move forward with more freedom and ease.
In any case, don’t repress your jealousy. Investigate what it has to say. Don’t hand it the steering wheel of your relationships, but be willing to investigate what it needs to feel safe.
4. Celebrate your compersive ATTITUDE (even if you’re not feeling compersion).
Experiencing some jealousy (and other challenging emotions like anger, fear, or a sense of threat) mixed into compersion doesn’t mean that the compersion is not real. In fact, having a compersive attitude WHEN IT’S NOT EASY can sometimes be the greatest accomplishment of all—just like giving love to someone who annoys you is a wonderful thing. It stretches the boundaries of your own heart and capacity to love, and is a precious gift to the people you care about.
As my colleague Evita ‘Lavitaloca’ Sawyers would say, you can lead with an “ethic of compersion” even when you’re not FEELING compersion, and that can be your polyamorous integrity.
Learn more about the distinction between the emotion of compersion and a compersive attitude HERE.
5. Choose love in action!
We often confuse “authenticity” with acting from our emotional ups and downs. While I 100% believe in accepting our emotional states and not shaming ourselves for them, I also believe that personal freedom and real authenticity is about consciously choosing our actions—especially in the ways we treat people.
You might be feeling deprived, jealous, and angry—and that’s okay. Accept and love yourself completely in that state. However, you can still act in supportive and encouraging ways towards your partners and/or metamours. Choosing loving actions and respectful communication, even when you are faced with emotional pain, will strengthen your compersion muscles.
Acting compersively even when it’s hard is like lifting weights that are outside your comfort zone. In the right context, it can make your love stronger.
In sum…
COMPERSTRUGGLE can be an uncomfortable state to manage, and create shame and confusion around “not being poly enough,” OR making us doubt whether nonmonogamy is even right for us.
If you are clear about your decision to be nonmonogamous from a place of freedom and agency, then embracing the complexity of your emotions can help you use this space of dynamic tension as a vector of growth and empowerment. In other words, a COMPERSTRUGGLE is a brave space to be in—and this dynamic tension can be a powerful nexus for transformation.
Even though your COMPERSTRUGGLE may feel torturous at times, remember that creating love outside the traditional edges of monogamy requires exceptional emotional intelligence and courage—and this includes holding riddles of opposites within a rapidly evolving paradigm of human relationships.
Listen to our Comperstruggle Podcast on Apple
