I had an excellent conversation last night with Marie Thouin, who is writing a book on compersion. For those that don’t know what that means, “compersion” is experiencing joy in the joy of others, and for the non-monogamous specifically, it means feeling joy in your partners experiencing joy from being romantically and sexually fulfilled by others. I have an interesting relationship to compersion in that it was definitely something I had to cultivate as I don’t experience it naturally and also, I don’t believe it is necessary for harmonious non-monogamy. The concept of “compersion” is a charged topic in the polyamorous community. I don’t agree with the elevation of the emotion as necessary for polyamory and I also have been very vocal about stating that it is ok if folks never feel it, struggle to feel it, don’t see it as a necessity, or are incapable of or don’t desire to cultivate it. Folks in the polyamorous community can act as if their ability to experience compersion makes them better than those that can’t and nah, I don’t rock with that at all.
The conversation I had was in reference to how my identity as a black person intersects with my ability to experience compersion, and on a macro level, what my thoughts were about the intersection of compersion and race. It was an interesting thought to ponder because I had previously never connected the two. For me, my identities impact my experience of compersion when something my partner is doing with someone else activates any internalized programming I have as a result of my identities or triggers any feelings of scarcity I may carry around from my life experience with my identities, which is broader than just my experiences of race. For example, if a partner dates someone lighter skinned than me, feeling compersion may be more challenging because of internalized colorism that asserts that “lighter skin” is more appealing. Consequently, I may feel more threatened by their lighter skinned partner, believing that my partner is more physically attracted to them than they are to me as a darker skinned woman. Another example could be that as a woman in my forties, my partners dating younger women/femmes can sometimes activate insecurity in me because as women, we are socialized to view aging as a loss of value and desirability. Fortunately, since I have been at this for some time now, even when I notice that I’m experiencing some barriers to compersion due to situations like these, I am practiced in choosing to align my thoughts and behavior, even when my emotions may not be on board, with my polyamorous integrity which is to be a supportive and encouraging partner to my partners as they pursue relationships and connections that bring them fulfillment. I was not always able to do this, and still have moments where this is a struggle, but I hold an ethic of compersion even when I don’t always experience the FEELING of compersion.
I believe that the experience of having a marginalized identity (or several marginalized identities) can impact one’s ability to experience compersion because for folks with marginalized identities, the concepts of love and relationships can be perceived as scarce resources and therefore anything that has to potential to threaten them is perceived as dangerous. It’s hard to feel joy about something your partner is doing with someone else when that causes you to feel the terror of loss of what you already view as a scarce resource. In my own experience, I am much more apt to feel compersion in relationships that feel secure to me. If I have an overall belief that love and relationships aren’t secure for me because of my identities, I will likely not experience feeling compersion. And since part of the experience of being marginalized is being told by our oppressive systems that you are not worthy of love and relationships, it makes sense that love and relationships would be viewed as scarce by marginalized persons.
I saw another angle to this, however. For some marginalized folks, rejecting normative concepts such as monogamy is a form of resistance. Monogamy has roots in capitalism and colonialism. So for many non-monogamous folks, their participation in non-monogamy is a form of resisting ideas about love and relationships that were imposed upon us by these systems. And not only do they reject the notions of how we “should” be in relationships as dictated by standard societal ideals, but they reject the notions of how we should FEEL about relationships as dictated by standard societal ideals, to include the experience of compersion. It is a form of resistance for them to assert that even though everything around them says that they are supposed to feel jealous, threatened, or negative about their partners seeking fulfillment in romantic and sexual relationships with others, that they are instead going to choose to feel joy, peace, and encouragement about their partners other relationships because to feel the reverse is to be in agreement with the dominant culture’s ideas about relationships. More than just reject the more problematic notions of monogamy in behavior and practice, they reject them in thought and feeling and their compersion is part of that rejection.
Our love and relationships and how we choose to participate in them, or NOT participate in them, are political acts. I know many people for whom their participation in non-monogamy is as much a political act as it is a personal one. It was mind-blowing to come to the understanding that you can also choose to see compersion as part of someone’s personal political activism. While I stand firm on my position that compersion isn’t necessary and it is absolutely ok and valid if you don’t value it and don’t desire to cultivate it, there was something personally galvanizing for me to begin to view being compersive towards my partners’ relationships with others as another way that I fight the system. I don’t only want systems like colonialism and capitalism and heteronormativity and white supremacy to not dictate what I do, I also don’t want them to dictate how I think and feel which influences what I do. It’s going deeper than the surface to uproot those ideals within myself, to get them out of my mind, body, heart, and soul, not just out of my external behavior.
So for folks out there that want to cultivate compersion, this concept of compersion as resistance can offer another case for why it’s a valuable goal to reach for. It makes it about more than just wanting to feel better or show up better to your partners and expands it to encompass wanting to be a more self-actualized person, free from imposed societal programming. It takes it from being something you cultivate for others to something you cultivate for yourself. I like that. The revolution always starts with the one. You.
About the Author
Evita “LaVitaLoca” Sawyers (She/Her) is a black, queer polyamory/nonmonogamy educator, speaker, coach, content creator, and author of “A Polyamory Devotional”. She is also the subject of the documentary “Poly Love” and the creator of “Today’s Polyamory Reminder. She has been featured in several articles and podcasts including Vice, Yahoo.life, and the Multiamory podcast to name a few. Her voice is frank, candid, pragmatic, and vulnerable. She is known for her balanced approach to polyamory concepts and for embracing her humanness as a non-monogamous person.
