Compersion and Omnipartiality in Mediation: Moving Past Win–Lose
What if conflict didn’t have to be win–lose? In this post, I explore how concepts from the fields of relationship coaching and mediation can inform and enrich one another. In particular, I focus on two principles: compersion—finding joy in another’s flourishing—and omnipartiality—caring equally for everyone involved. Both can transform zero-sum assumptions and associated bottlenecks into opportunities for win–win outcomes. From family inheritance disagreements to high-conflict romantic relationships, these principles show how recognizing shared goals and valuing others’ wellbeing can generate solutions that benefit everyone.
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This past spring, I took a mediation course at UC Davis to expand my toolkit as a relationship coach. I expected to learn new structures and techniques for navigating conflict—and I did. But what surprised me most was how strongly the principles of mediation resonated with a concept I have long studied in the realm of intimate relationships: compersion.
Compersion is often described as the antonym of jealousy—as the capacity to take pleasure, or at least find positive meaning, in the joy of others. It can also be conceptualized as the opposite of Schadenfreude, or taking pleasure in someone else’s misery. The term originated in consensually non-monogamous contexts, where one might experience positive emotions, attitudes, and/or behaviors, towards an intimate partner’s pleasure with someone else.
More broadly, however, compersion can be simply understood as positive empathy—or our wholehearted participation in another’s happiness. It asks us to move beyond a zero-sum mindset, and to view another person’s emotional fulfillment—even when it comes from elsewhere—not as a threat, but as a benefit. This framing can then apply to all relationships—monogamous, non-monogamous, platonic, familial, and even professional ones.
Compersion closely parallels the Buddhist principle of mudita: rejoicing in others’ happiness without envy or attachment. In Buddhism, mudita is one of the Four Immeasurables—qualities of enlightenment—alongside metta (loving-kindness), karuna (compassion), and upekkha (equanimity). Said to remedy the illusion of separation between Self and Other, mudita resonates with both compersion in personal relationships and omnipartiality in mediation. It invites us to move beyond zero-sum thinking into a world where “more for you is more for me.”
This genuine rooting for another’s flourishing is a cornerstone of thriving relationships—and it also lies at the heart of transformative mediation. In this modality, mediators experience a sense of success when empowerment occurs. Transformative mediators also leave responsibility for the outcomes with the parties, which empowers participants to reclaim their agency over conflict rather than deferring to an outside authority (i.e., the courts) to decide their destiny.
Of course, these ideals are not always achievable in practice. They require a baseline of good faith, aligned goals, and shared values. This is why not all disputes can be resolved through mediation—some belong in a courtroom—and not all relationships can foster compersion, which depends on conditions such as equitable power dynamics, consent, respect, communication, autonomy, and relational security (I explore these in greater depth in my book).
Still, what struck me most in my mediation training is how naturally the essence of compersion aligns with the goals and spirit of mediation. Unlike a courtroom, where the aim is to declare winners and losers, mediation seeks outcomes in which all parties feel heard, respected, and uplifted. This ethos—valuing the flourishing of all rather than privileging one party—lies at the very heart of omnipartiality.
Omnipartiality: A Cornerstone of Mediation
A central tenet of mediation is omnipartiality—the deliberate choice to be equally partial to everyone in the room. Unlike neutrality, which suggests distance or detachment, omnipartiality means showing active care for all parties. Where neutrality seeks not to take sides, omnipartiality seeks to uplift all sides. It’s not simply about neutrality, but active care for all. As conflict transformation facilitator Duncan Autrey writes:
“What if the solution was to care more? What if we chose to respond to life's puzzles by seeking solutions that were best for everyone involved and for the system as a whole? This approach is called Omnipartiality.”
Autrey also emphasizes, “I am omnipartial: I am biased in favor of the success of everyone and the whole.” This perspective aligns beautifully with compersion: instead of protecting just one side, we expand our emotional bandwidth—holding multiple perspectives, contradictions, and desires simultaneously.
It’s worth naming a key distinction here: compersion is a felt sense within a relationship system, while omnipartiality is a stance taken by someone outside of it. Mediators and coaches don’t necessarily feel compersion toward their clients; rather, they model omnipartiality to help clients cultivate compersion for one another.
A concept from my research on compersion in non-monogamous networks illustrates this well: the positive relational feedback loop, in which members of a relationship system care about each other’s wellbeing and feel they are on the same team. As one participant—an 83-year-old polyamorous retired engineer—put it: “If everyone’s not having a good time, then it’s not working.”
The Emotional Geometry of Conflict
But how does this work in practice? In mediation just like in intimate relationships, emotions often run high. Each party tends to feel that their own pain is more real, urgent, or justified than the other’s. The mediator’s and the coach’s roles are not to flatten these differences, but to elevate each perspective so that both can see one another more clearly. This is omnipartiality in action—deep understanding that resists both false neutrality and one-sidedness.
Compersion draws on the same capacity. It invites us to stay emotionally open even when our instinct is to shut down, to reframe “me vs. you” as “us vs. the problem.” This orientation calls for attunement to the relational ecosystem as a whole—moving from individualistic thinking toward a vision of shared resources, mutual care, and distributed power, where everyone feels supported rather than depleted.
Research underscores this connection. In Wanting ‘the whole loaf’: zero-sum thinking about love is associated with prejudice against consensual non-monogamists, the authors argue that prejudice against non-monogamous relationships rests partly on a zero-sum belief: that one person’s gain in love must mean another’s loss. Compersion offers an alternative: understanding love not as a finite resource but as something that expands when we support our partners in receiving more of it, even when that love does not come directly from us.
In the same way, other resources are not always as finite as we imagine them to be—and creative solution-finding, from a place of omnipartiality, can generate novel ways to bring value to all involved in mediation contexts.
How do these principles unfold in lived experience? Let’s turn to three examples: two drawn from mediation practice and one from relationship coaching.
Example 1: A Family Inheritance Dispute
Two siblings argue over what to do with their late parent’s home. One wants to sell for financial stability, while the other wants to keep it for sentimental reasons. A zero-sum mindset offers only two outcomes: sell or preserve.
Through an omnipartial lens, however, a mediator listens deeply to both—recognizing one sibling’s longing for security and the other’s desire to honor family legacy. Broadening the frame allows them to co-create a third option: renting the home short-term, which generates income while keeping the property in the family.
In this solution, each sibling not only gains relief for themselves but also feels joy in seeing the other’s needs respected. Here, the mediator models omnipartiality, while the siblings themselves begin to feel compersion for one another.
Example 2: A Workplace Conflict
A boss and an employee clash over workload and expectations. The employee feels overworked and unappreciated, while the boss worries that deadlines aren’t being met. From a zero-sum perspective, only one can “win”: either the employee gets relief or the boss gets results.
An omnipartial approach reframes the conflict around shared goals: team cohesion, reliability, and successful projects. With support from a mediator, each party articulates both needs and contributions. Together they develop solutions such as clarifying roles, scheduling regular check-ins, and acknowledging achievements.
As trust grows, each begins to appreciate the other’s efforts. Again, omnipartiality is the stance of the mediator; compersion emerges within the relationship as boss and employee take satisfaction in each other’s growth.
Example 3: A Romantic Relationship
A wife feels drawn to solo travel, taking trips on her own to explore new places and cultures. At first, her husband feels uneasy—while she’s off having adventures, he worries about being left behind. From a zero-sum perspective, her freedom appears to diminish his security.
Through an omnipartial lens, however, the dynamic shifts. Her journeys become not a threat but a source of vitality that she brings back into the relationship, while he invests time in his own passions at home. Both partners discover that their needs—his for reassurance and hers for exploration—can be honored side by side.
Practical agreements support this balance: staying connected through thoughtful check-ins, planning intentional quality time before and after her trips, and openly sharing how their separate experiences enrich their bond. Over time, his pride in her boldness and her gratitude for his support spark genuine compersion. What once felt destabilizing transforms into a partnership where each partner’s growth becomes fuel for the other’s joy. In this case, omnipartiality could be modeled by a coach helping them find balance, but the lived experience of compersion belongs to the partners themselves.
Final Thought
Compersion and omnipartiality aren’t just abstract ideals—they are grounded, human approaches to moving past win–lose dynamics. Both relationship coaching and mediation offer profound lessons in creating containers for healing and mutually beneficial outcomes, fostering collective growth, shared power, mutual respect, and the kind of flourishing that leaves everyone feeling supported and valued.
While relationship coaches often journey with clients over months or even years—building trust and cultivating long-term growth—mediators face the challenge of facilitating catharsis and resolution in just a session or two. And yet mediation is not reserved only for “big” disputes like custody, divorce, or inheritance. It can be just as valuable for everyday challenges—communication breakdowns, recurring tensions, or smaller disagreements that, left unchecked, can erode trust. Each field can serve the other: coaching when deeper exploration is needed, mediation when a focused container can unlock clarity.
Remarkably, the principles of compersion and omnipartiality are scalable. The very practices that help couples, families, and teams transform conflict can also inspire approaches to larger disputes—diplomatic negotiations, community reconciliation, even international crises. When we hold multiple truths, recognize shared goals, and celebrate the flourishing of all parties, even seemingly intractable conflicts can give rise to creative, cooperative, and profoundly human solutions.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dr. Marie Thouin is a leading expert and scholar on compersion in consensual non-monogamy and beyond. She authored the first-ever scholarly book on compersion, two pioneering research studies, and the first-ever encyclopedia entry on compersion. Her work has been featured in several academic conferences, workshops, magazines, and podcasts.
Marie is also the founder of Love InSight, a mindful dating & relationship coaching practice where she supports people of all ages, genders, and sexual/relationship orientations to create vibrant and intentional love lives.
