Before You Even THINK About Compersion, Read This…
This blog is an excerpt of a longer work by Kathy Labriola, Marie Thouin, and Aria Diana.
To read the full text, please order our physical zine: Cultivating Compersion: Moving from Jealousy to Joy in Nonmonogamy, by Microcosm Publishing. A great gift for your lovers and metamours!
Introduction
by Marie Thouin
If you’ve ever felt confused, ashamed, or inadequate for not feeling compersion—you’re not alone.
Too often, compersion is held up as the “gold standard” in non-monogamous relationships. And while the idea of feeling joy when your partner finds connection elsewhere can be beautiful, it’s not always realistic—especially when your nervous system is still in distress. For many, the journey doesn’t start with joy. It starts with fear, overwhelm, and grief.
As a relationship coach, I often speak with people in such states of distress. Having heard of my work on compersion, folks often express feelings of shame and inadequacy around not experiencing joy for their partner’s other relationships. They are approaching me in hope that they can be “fixed”.
In such cases, my advice is often this: let’s take the idea of empathic joy off the table—at least for now. What if the goal wasn’t joy, but just getting to a state of benevolent neutrality? Let’s pause the pressure to feel good—and instead, focus on feeling okay enough to breathe and see clearly.
Moving towards a state where your mind, heart, and body can tolerate and accept non-monogamy can be a heroic act. And, this is the first step on the path to cultivating ATTITUDINAL compersion—the stage where you can sincerely support your partner’s other relationships. Check this article out for more detail on the distinction between ATTITUDINAL and EMBODIED compersion: Two Types of Compersion: An Empowering Distinction.
I often say that ATTITUDINAL compersion is a foundation for successful non-monogamy, but EMBODIED compersion (the emotional experience of empathic joy that is stereotypically portrayed as the only kind of compersion) is a lucky bonus—not mandatory. In other words, I urge people to resist the temptation of using the concept of compersion as a stick to beat themselves with. I describe this in detail in my blog: Use Compersion as a Flashlight (...Not a Stick!)
Bringing this level nuance into the conversation on compersion invites compassion toward ourselves and others, and a needed dose of realism on the path of dismantling the mononormative mind and finding more congruence on our ENM journey. Having a more realistic and detailed path accelerates our progress and adaptation, rather than hindering it.
This is why I was absolutely thrilled when Aria and Kathy outlined the journey that happens BEFORE one can even THINK about compersion. The present article derives from a piece that Aria originally published on her Substack in December 2024, where Kathy responded to the Spectrum of Compersion I outlined in my book with her own model for how emotional responses in non-monogamy tend to evolve pre-compersion. You can read that original exchange between Aria and Kathy here:
A Letter from Polyam Author Kathy Labriola
When I reflect on how many people are in deep distress when they first encounter the idea of compersion—and how healing it can be to offer a more compassionate starting point—I rejoice that Kathy’s model below offers exactly that: a realistic, permission-giving path that begins with emotional survival—not celebration—and helps people move from crisis to calm at their own pace.
From Crisis to Compersion: Six Stages of the Emotional Landscape of CNM
By Kathy Labriola
People often call me in distress asking, “How can I get to compersion?” My first suggestion is usually: aim for neutral first. Before joy can grow, most people travel through six predictable emotional stages:
INTOLERANCE → COPING/TOLERANCE → NORMALIZATION → NEUTRALITY → ACCEPTANCE → EMBODIED COMPERSION
These stages vary widely depending on how consensually someone entered consensual non-monogamy (CNM), their personal history and triggers, and the safety or instability present in their relationship ecosystem. Still, the pattern is common enough to help people normalize what they experience as they confront a partner’s other relationship(s).
1. INTOLERANCE
Most people begin here. Jealousy feels overwhelming—terror, rage, despair, physical symptoms, obsessive thoughts, insecurity, fear of abandonment, and catastrophic predictions. Many feel driven to overprocess with their partner or demand detailed disclosure about the new relationship.
Three groups often land here:
Poly-under-duress partners
They believed the relationship was monogamous until their partner asked to open up or already pursued someone else. They feel pressured, betrayed, and powerless, and may struggle longer to stabilize. Trust and confidence in the relationship may erode, so they benefit from reassurance, education, and community support.
Poly-identified partners
They believe in CNM values and expected to feel compersion, so the shock of jealousy creates shame and cognitive dissonance. They may judge themselves as “bad poly partners.” Self-compassion and normalizing expectations are essential so they can adjust to the lived reality of CNM.
More secure/veteran partners
Even experienced polyamorous people revisit intolerance when facing a new challenge. They often ask for temporary boundaries—fewer overnights, limited texting, private communication—to regain stability.
2. COPING / TOLERANCE
In this stage, distress becomes manageable. People think, “I hate this, but I can live with it.” They may allow their partner more freedom, though progress is uneven and often accompanied by anxiety.
This is also the stage when many feel pressure to be accommodating. It’s important not to agree to anything that compromises safety, dignity, or emotional wellbeing. Reasonable boundaries (around date frequency, overnights, or communication) can help.
Compartmentalization—limiting awareness of the other relationship—can reduce triggers and help people stay connected to their primary relationship.
3. NORMALIZATION
Over time, the sense of existential threat fades. The relationship often proves stronger, more honest, and more intimate. Jealousy spikes still happen but feel less destabilizing.
People also adapt to spending time apart and often rediscover friendships, hobbies, or their own dating life. Filling this time with meaningful experiences reduces activation when their partner is with someone else.
4. NEUTRALITY
Neutrality often arrives quietly: one day, their partner’s dates or overnights simply stop triggering emotional intensity. Polyamory begins to feel manageable and even routine.
Reaching neutrality is a major milestone—often more than enough for a successful CNM relationship given the effort required to unlearn mononormative conditioning.
5. ACCEPTANCE
A smaller group moves from neutrality to genuine positive regard for a partner’s other relationships. This is a form of attitudinal compersion—valuing a partner’s happiness even if it doesn’t yet spark joy.
Tension arises when compersion is demanded. Many clients feel that being told to feel a certain way is non-consensual. Behavioral consent—allowing and supporting a partner’s relationships—is already a profound gift and should be honored without policing emotions.
6. EMBODIED COMPERSION
This is the emotional joy many imagine: feeling uplifted by a partner’s pleasure with someone else. It’s wonderful when it appears, but not required.
Many people thrive with attitudinal compersion alone—choosing supportive behaviors and perspectives, even if their heart doesn’t feel euphoric. Embodied compersion can grow naturally over time, but it shouldn’t be a mandate or expectation.
Conclusion
These stages are not linear. People may revisit earlier phases when encountering new metamours or destabilizing circumstances. This is not failure—it’s simply the nervous system responding to new challenges.
CNM isn’t about racing toward compersion but cultivating awareness, compassion, and authenticity. Neutrality is a triumph. Acceptance is a gift. Embodied compersion is a bonus. Offering true consent and growing at a humane pace is enough—and worth celebrating.
Which Stage Am I In? A Self Check-In Framework
By Aria Diana
Compersion doesn’t happen overnight. Before you expect joy, pause and reflect: Where are you now—emotionally and somatically? This check-in can help you locate yourself in the six-stage journey and consider what support might carry you forward.
For each prompt, choose the statement that feels most true for you right now:
1.When my partner is connecting with someone else, I mostly feel...
Overwhelmed, panicked, or physically sick. I want it to stop.
Uncomfortable, but I can get through it—even if it sucks.
It’s starting to feel more routine. Still weird sometimes, but not all-consuming.
I’m neutral. I don’t really feel strongly one way or the other.
I feel supportive and genuinely okay with it.
I feel happy, excited, or deeply fulfilled seeing their joy.
My inner thoughts sound like...
“This is unbearable. I can’t do this. I’m going to lose them.”
“I hate this, but I’ll try. Maybe it’ll get easier.”
“It’s annoying sometimes, but we’ve worked through a lot.”
“Whatever they do is fine—it doesn’t really affect me.”
“I want to support their happiness even if it’s hard.”
“I feel joy watching them thrive—it lights me up too.”
My body tends to react with...
Tight chest, racing heart, spirals, tears, or shutdown
Edginess, worry, difficulty relaxing
Occasional tension, but manageable
Little to no physical charge—I stay steady
A sense of openness or warmth
Energized or even turned on by their joy
When I think about setting boundaries, I...
Want everything to stop or be drastically limited.
Need boundaries to feel safe but feel guilty asking.
Have found a few that help us both feel stable.
Use them mindfully to protect my peace and honor connection.
Rarely think about them—they’re less necessary now.
Barely need them—I feel open and secure.
How to Interpret Your Responses
Count how many of each letter you chose:
Mostly 1s → Stage 1: INTOLERANCE
You're in acute distress. Your body may be sounding the alarm, and that's worth paying attention to. You deserve safety and support—this is survival mode, not failure. Helpful support here often looks like: nonjudgmental listening, nervous system regulation (breathwork, movement, rest), and anchoring to stability—trusted friendships, routines, therapy, or coaching spaces where you won’t be rushed toward compersion.
Mostly 2s → Stage 2: COPING / TOLERANCE
You’re managing—barely. You might be stretching beyond your capacity. Support here includes grounding practices and co-regulation with safe people (eye contact, cuddling, shared meals), plus being honest about limits. Coaching, peer support groups, or relationship education can help you practice micro-boundaries—small agreements that make things more manageable and prevent overwhelm.
Mostly 3s → Stage 3: NORMALIZATION
Things are starting to settle. You’re adapting, creating routines, and reclaiming parts of yourself. Support in this stage looks like building community and re-investing in your own joy: hobbies, friendships, spiritual practices, or creative outlets. Create rituals that make time alone feel intentional, not abandoned. You might also benefit from learning communication tools to deepen clarity and reduce friction as new challenges arise.
Mostly 4s → Stage 4: NEUTRALITY
You feel steady and unfazed. Other relationships don’t disturb your peace. This is a huge milestone worth honoring. Support at this stage is about expansion: therapy or coaching can help you explore new conversations about desires, needs, and deeper intimacy. Practice holding space for curiosity, rather than just tolerance, as a way of opening the door to acceptance.
Mostly 5s → Stage 5: ACCEPTANCE
You feel truly okay with your partner’s connections. You’re supportive and open—even if you don’t always feel excitement. Support here looks like checking in with yourself regularly so you don’t fade into the background. Journaling, couples coaching, or metamour conversations can help you stay connected to your authentic “yes” and “no.” This stage is often strengthened through mutual appreciation practices, affirmations, and shared celebrations.
Mostly 6s → Stage 6: EMBODIED COMPERSION
You genuinely delight in their joy. Compersion lives in your body, not just your philosophy. It likely took work to get here—celebrate that. Support here is about sustainability: giving yourself permission to ebb and flow, practicing self-connection (pleasure, play, creativity), and sharing your joy with your partner without pressuring yourself to always feel it. Working with a coach, therapist, or community can help you integrate this stage without over-identifying with it as a “new standard” you must uphold.
Closing reminder: You may find yourself in different stages at different times—or even different stages with different partners. That’s human. This journey isn’t a ladder—it’s a spiral. The support you seek can change as you do, and every step toward stability, neutrality, or acceptance is worth honoring.
To read more, order our zine: Cultivating Compersion: Moving from Jealousy to Joy in Nonmonogamy, by Microcosm Publishing
