When I first came across the concept of compersion at a non-monogamous meetup, I felt a blend of curiosity and skepticism. Being someone who values the intricacies of language, upon hearing compersion defined by another meetup participant, I initially perceived it as a secular equivalent of the age-old Buddhist notion of sympathetic joy--the vicarious joy and pleasure that comes from someone else’s well being. As an advocate for making profound concepts more accessible, I appreciate encountering secular interpretations of spiritual ideas. These interpretations can serve as bridges, allowing individuals who may not align with specific religious or philosophical frameworks to access the wisdom and insights inherent in these concepts through a more psychological lens. Consequently, I found compersion to be an appealing new term for what I had long known as sympathetic joy.
During the meetup, as people shared their positive experiences with compersion, my curiosity remained piqued. As I listened, I still thought everyone was just talking about another version of sympathetic joy, but I could see how feeling joy because your partner is having pleasurable experiences with another lover wasn’t really something the Buddha covered. My skepticism entered when, amidst the discussion, one person became insistent about her past association with the individual who she claimed coined the term "compersion". It seemed very important to her that the group understand how her previous partner was the sole innovator behind this idea, which apparently their relationship was the muse for, suggesting that we owe them (and by extension, her) recognition for their pioneering contribution. While it's possible her previous partner did introduce the term, I couldn't shake off the irony of someone claiming ownership over a word inherently promoting non-possessive love.
This assertion left a bad taste in my mouth, yet despite my reservations, I recognized the importance of new language and how new words have the potential to shape our perceptions, construct new realities, and how new language is particularly important for those at the forefront of social change. So, armed with this newfound term, I returned home to share it with my husband Dave, who also found it interesting. We both agreed it was perplexing for someone to stake such a strong claim over a term representing non-possessive love, and we moved on from the topic. Little did I know then, it would soon hold profound significance in our lives.
Thankfully it wasn’t too long after the meetup when I experienced compersion firsthand. Watching Dave return home uplifted after a date with another and then hearing him talk about the things they had in common, my first feelings of compersion arose. Previously in our marriage, I frequently experienced a sense of genuine happiness and fulfillment in Dave's successes even when that joy was not contingent upon my direct benefit. However, rarely did his joy actually represent a threat–whether real or perceived--to me or our relationship. However, Dave's return home, eager to share his positive experiences with another woman, could absolutely pose a significant threat, challenging the very core of the monoromantic paradigm that had conditioned me to see other women as dangerous. Within the traditional confines of monogamy, Dave acknowledging his affection for another person is tantamount to one of the gravest breaches conceivable, one that would conventionally justify a vehement emotional response from me. And yet, here I found myself, devoid of those anticipated reactions. Instead, I was genuinely excited to hear about Dave's outing and pleased he had discovered a connection with someone else. As Dave and I transparently talked about what would have previously been forbidden, I could feel my brain and body actively rewiring itself. As I celebrated Dave's emotional connections and positive experiences with others as enriching rather than threatening to our bond, my mental horizon expanded and my heart opened in new ways, where traditional anxieties were supplanted by a deeper sensation of love. This experience transcended mere sympathetic joy; it was a paradigm shift that reshaped my understanding of love, connection and relationships.
Then came the moment when I found myself on the receiving end of compersion.This took more time to come by. By then, however, Dave's genuine happiness for my budding feelings towards someone else was more than just a heartwarming gesture--it was a testament to our journey. In the face of a lot of challenges with our opening up process through painful bouts of jealousy, primal panic and insecurity, his eventual compersion became a healing balm, bridging the gap between our past struggles and our evolving relationship. On this one night when I was returning from a date, I sensed a significant shift in his approach when Dave inquired about my evening. His questions stemmed not from a need for self-assurance or a desire to probe, even interrogate, but from genuine curiosity. As I delved into my growing fondness for this new person, Dave's curiosity didn't just persist; it transformed into genuine happiness for my experience. This interaction underscored a deeper level of emotional intelligence and mutual support in our relationship, showcasing a shared joy in each other's happiness that transcends conventional insecurities. I was floored.
As we sat together talking that evening and I was finally at the receiving end of compersion, I felt a deep sense of gratitude for him and us, but I also experienced something beyond us--something transpersonal. As Dave embraced my sexual and emotional exploration with another, I felt a profound resonance with the experiences of countless women across history, whose bodies, hearts, and sexuality were constrained under the guise of monogamy—a standard disproportionately applied, with men often exempt from such rigorous scrutiny. This moment connected me to a long lineage of women who were maligned for their sexual desires, desires that have been celebrated (or at least accepted) in men as intrinsic facets of their humanness. It was a liberating counterpoint to centuries of double standards, serving as a testament to the potential for our collective progress towards recognizing and honoring the equality and autonomy of women's desires and identities. It was as if centuries of societal constraints had been lifted, allowing us to love freely and authentically. In that moment, compersion became not just a feeling, but a political statement—a testament to the transformative power of love unbound by convention.
I was struck by the completion of the cycle of giving and receiving. Practicing compersion seemed to reprogram the monogamous wiring inside me, while being on the receiving end of compersion felt like it unlocked and released the concept of monogamy beyond me. This dual experience highlighted a transformative journey, not just in redefining my personal beliefs around relationships but also in expanding my understanding of love's vast potential beyond societal norms.
As a psychotherapist specializing in polyamory, my journey with compersion took a different turn. When polyamorous clients brought up the topic in my office, I anticipated engaging in enriching discussions about cultivating compersion. However, I was met with something else. Instead of seeking ways to deepen their experience of compersion, clients often expressed deep-seated hurt and frustration because there wasn’t enough compersion. They shared stories of feeling neglected or rejected by partners who didn't reciprocate their compersion, and to my surprise, some partners felt entitled to the compersion their partner should feel for them. What was meant to be a beautiful concept of empathetic joy had morphed into a weapon, used to measure and judge their partners' level of poly enoughness.
Witnessing this was disheartening. As one partner struggled to understand why their partner wasn't experiencing compersion for them, they grew resentful. Meanwhile, partners on the other end felt judged and shamed for their inability to fully embrace compersion, further perpetuating a cycle of guilt and frustration between them. In my therapy sessions, I found myself navigating through not only the difficult layers of clients' jealousy and attachment insecurity, but now also their misplaced expectations about compersion. It became clear that compersion wasn't just a switch that some people could turn on as they wished. Rather than fostering understanding and compassion, the pursuit of compersion had inadvertently become a source of division and discord.
This realization prompted a shift in my approach. Instead of solely focusing on cultivating compersion, I began to explore the underlying issues that hindered its expression. Often I would tell clients to actually take compersion off the table as a goal, and instead focus on a less reactive baseline of neutrality as a more realistic goal. This was certainly helpful, and ironically, releasing the expectation of compersion often allowed it to naturally emerge in time. But for me, it didn’t feel like enough. In my quest to elevate the services I provide to my clients, I delved into the professional landscape seeking guidance on the subject, only to find it surprisingly barren of useful resources. Diving into the mainstream advice on compersion offered some valuable nuggets, yet many of my clients felt the prevailing narrative painted compersion as something innate—you either had it or you didn't, or it was described in such elevated terms that it appeared almost out of reach, creating a sense of exclusivity around the concept that didn't resonate with everyone's experience.
Enter Marie Thouin
When Marie reached out to me to discuss her original research on compersion within Consensually Non-Monogamous (CNM) relationships, I was thrilled. While the phenomenon of jealousy has been more extensively studied, there is a notable deficit in the scholarly exploration and understanding of compersion. Although investigating jealousy holds its importance, attempting to decode compersion through the prism of jealousy falls short. Just as researchers in the field of psychology acknowledged that focusing their research on mental illness did not pave the way to an enhanced understanding of mental wellness, or how scholars within the domain of conflict resolution recognized that the study of warfare did not contribute to a deeper understanding of peace (the disciplines of Positive Psychology and Peace Studies were inaugurated to bridge these knowledge voids and broaden our understanding), Marie's research endeavors to do precisely this by shedding light on compersion itself–contributing to a richer, more comprehensive understanding of our emotional experiences and relationship dynamics.
As our understanding of human relationships evolves and non-normative relationship structures become increasingly legitimate, the pursuit of understanding our emotional architecture has never been more paramount. This book, a labor of intellect and passion, stands at the frontier of that exploration. Marie’s pioneering research into compersion is more than a scholarly endeavor; it is a journey into the heart of empathy, joy, and the human capacity for complex emotional experiences. As a relationship coach herself, Marie’s wisdom is practical, compassionate, and field-tested.
By delving into the nuanced experiences of those in CNM relationships, this book illuminates the vast potential of human affectivity and its implications for how we relate to one another. Marie's research sheds light on the complexities of compersion, enriching our understanding by presenting not only nuanced ideas but also practical tools for exploring its various dimensions (which is my favorite part!). She introduces the concept of compersion as a spectrum, and perhaps most crucially, provides a blueprint for CNM people to assess how their personal, relational, and societal contexts might influence the presence or absence of compersion in various scenarios. This blueprint will empower both seasoned polyamorists and those just getting started with non-monogamy to pinpoint the areas where they can focus their efforts to foster compersion most effectively. By going beyond merely sharing her findings, she offers invaluable guidance for CNM individuals, as well as their therapists and coaches.
Additionally, Marie’s work addresses the unfortunate weaponization of compersion that can happen through either shaming oneself or one’s partner into not being “poly enough.” She sheds light on this dynamic through offering a more nuanced understanding of compersion (e.g., the distinction between attitudinal and embodied compersion in Chapter 4) offering readers a more inclusive perspective that resonates with individuals at various stages of their CNM journey. There is something in this book for both folks who've struggled with compersion and those who've ridden the wave of its ecstatic highs. I also believe this work is fostering increased awareness, comprehension, and dialogue about compersion across both academic circles and wider societal discourse, serving as a pivotal step towards cultivating a social framework that appreciates and normalizes intimate relationships outside the traditional monogamous paradigm. For me, this book extends beyond the scope of academic curiosity. It speaks to the very essence of societal transformation. Compersion is not just a feeling or heightened experience--it is also political.
In a world that often heralds monogamy as the sole arbiter of romantic fulfillment, Marie’s work invites us to broaden our emotional horizons with compersion, challenging long-held beliefs about love, jealousy, and possession. In these pages, you will discover how compersion can serve as a catalyst for personal growth and relational harmony. Through the voices of diverse individuals, Marie's research underscores the potential for compersion to foster deeper connections and challenge the stigmas surrounding non-monogamy.
Welcome to a groundbreaking exploration of compersion. May this book not only inform but also inspire you to approach relationships with a renewed sense of possibility, understanding, and, most importantly, a heart open to the myriad ways we can love and support each other's happiness.
About the Author
Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Coach, and Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. Jessica is the author of Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonogamy, The Polysecure Workbook, and Polywise: A Deeper Dive Into Navigating Open Relationships. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love. Learn more at JessicaFern.com.
