Self-Compersion: A Radical Act of Celebration, Compassion and Healing
By Molly Reagh
Last July, I had the distinct pleasure of attending Marie’s book launch party for What is Compersion: Understanding Positive Empathy in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships. The evening was a joyful and memorable one, but what made it even more special was Marie’s generous invitation to stay at her home afterwards.
Being that we’re both coaches fascinated by relationships and the human condition, it didn’t take long for me to begin asking her deeper questions about her experience of being a published author. I was so excited to see my dear friend in the moment of such a huge achievement in her life and was deeply curious about what it was like in her shoes.
Her answer, however, surprised me. Marie shared that while she could on some level acknowledge that this was a big deal, it was actually really hard for her to "take the win.” I was both shocked, because here I was ecstatic for one of my heart friends doing something incredible and important for the world, and yet there was a part of me that could relate to that “am I deserving of celebrating myself?” voice that can be so present.
I paused. I wanted to honor what she just said, to not dismiss it. And, then this thought came to me.
“What would it be like if you could have self-compersion?”
We were both excited and perplexed by this idea. Self-compersion? What would that look like?
Since then, I’ve been chewing on this concept of self-compersion, really trying to get a sense of what makes it unique. I asked myself: “Is this just a synonym for other important self-_______ concepts (self-worth, self-connection, self-trust, etc.)?” What I realized is that while they’re all connected, there are distinct qualities of self-compersion.
Self-Compersion is Joyful!
While all self-_______ concepts are like a giant Venn diagram that ultimately connect us to a more holistic relationship with ourselves, self-compersion is distinct—offering active celebration, tenderness, and playfulness through all the moods and manifestations of our unique human existence.
Our relationships with others are only as strong as our relationship to ourselves. For example, if we’re lying to ourselves, there’s no way we can be honest with another person. If we’re disconnected from our inner world, we can’t possibly expect to be deeply connected to another person. Likewise, if we’re not able to celebrate and feel excitement for ourselves, we’ll be limited in how authentic our celebration and excitement for others can be.
In her book, Marie shines a beautiful light on the Buddhist concept of mudita, or positive empathy, which involves feeling joy for others’ successes. Self-compersion offers a rich opportunity to turn mudita inward. Through developing a joyful self-concept we can offer ourselves the validation, love, and celebration that we too often scramble to extract from others. We come to see ourselves as a gem of a human, just as every other human is a gem. We become more open-hearted and able to celebrate others when we can celebrate ourselves.
Self-Compersion in Practice
So, what might self-compersion look like in practice? Unsurprisingly, embodying self-compersion involves celebrating ourselves—truly feeling happy for ourselves when we take meaningful steps towards our fulfillment or reach milestones, no matter how big or small. Whether it's getting that big promotion you worked so hard for, or making a 1-degree shift toward pausing before reacting angrily to your partner, it’s important to acknowledge and celebrate these moments.
When we commit to personal or relational growth work, we are challenging ourselves to learn new developmental processes. This involves more than adopting new thoughts or behaviors, though those are important first steps. True growth asks us to move beyond the protective patterns our younger selves wisely created to keep us safe. his is some of the most demanding work we can do. Taking time to celebrate even small moments of progress not only honors our effort but strengthens new neural pathways. By intentionally recognizing and celebrating any amount of personal growth, we activate reward systems in the brain, which reinforces these new ways of being and helps us move closer to our favorite version of ourselves.
Celebration doesn’t need to be grandiose. It can be as simple as placing a hand on your heart, pausing for a few seconds, and saying, “Wow babe, you did this! Two years ago, this would’ve been nearly impossible for you. I’m so proud.” Or it could be something more playful, like having a little dance party in your car, letting the good energy flow. Find what works for you and make it a habit and celebrate even the smallest victories.
A therapy client of mine came into our session recently feeling jittery and overwhelmed after having said “no”, and maintained his boundary, to an unreasonable request by his father. At the beginning of our session he was questioning himself, unsure of his decision, and feeling a lot of fear and self-doubt. After validating what he was feeling, we connected his boundary-setting to his larger values and vision for his life. In connecting to his growth, we were able to celebrate this achievement, especially the fact that he had set a boundary and held firm to it while feeling dysregulated. He was able to acknowledge this big step, smile to himself, and proverbially pat himself on the back. As he reinforced his positive behavior, it became easier for him to do it again the next time someone approached him with an unreasonable request. He was practicing and harnessing the benefits of self-compersion.
We can practice self-compersion even when we’re feeling Big Feelings (disappointment, frustration, guilt, irritation, anger, etc.). In fact, when we intentionally decide to celebrate ourselves while we’re in an activated or overwhelmed state, we more quickly break old patterns of self-criticism and heal core wounds.
How Self-Compersion Builds Radical Self-Compassion
Self-compersion also involves lovingly holding ourselves accountable when we make mistakes. The key word here is lovingly. It’s about being gentle with ourselves when we do something we’re not proud of. When we beat ourselves up, we reinforce negative patterns in our brain, making them more automatic. On the other hand, when we release the grip on our mistakes and approach them with humor or play, we free ourselves from their control. Mistakes can trigger defensiveness because we fear rejection, but with self-compersion, we recognize that our missteps don’t diminish our worth. We’re able to say, “I’ve got my own back,” and we understand that we are good, worthy of love, and deserving of grace, just like everyone else.
By acknowledging our wins, both big and small, and being kind to ourselves when we inevitably make mistakes, we start seeing ourselves in a different light. We recognize our multifaceted humanity more clearly and learn to laugh with ourselves when our actions don’t fully align with our values. With this understanding and ability to see ourselves in the highest positive regard, we can quickly course-correct and return to who we know ourselves to be.
Embodying Self-Compersion
Self-compersion provides a pathway to build self-awareness, self-trust, and self-confidence. As we develop a deeper sense of rightness within ourselves, we feel less vulnerable and less need to defend ourselves. We trust that whatever comes our way is manageable because we have proven our personal strength and power to ourselves over time. Yes, we may occasionally do unsavory things, but we can repair our mistakes, navigate conflict, and grow stronger in the process.
When we know and celebrate the fact that we are a miraculous unique gem of a human, we embody a deep knowing that we are loveable and worthy and that no one can take that away from us. This kind of self-celebration can be an antidote to the psychological trap of negative comparison, and a path to building a felt sense of incommensurability. Having an innate sense of our worthiness builds immunity to comparison. Getting to know our own celebration-worthy attributes, helps us attune more to others’ celebratory-worthy attributes. Our lens has now expanded to and we begin deeply knowing, on an embodied level, that we are all unique beings worthy of celebration and love.
As our relationships transition from one form to another, or our partner starts developing feelings for someone else, self-compersion allows us to maintain our inherent sense of worthiness and lovability. We are able to celebrate that in ourselves and in others, even while we feel our grief and disappointment. We more readily experience the multiplicity of the human experience. We celebrate our resilience, humanity, and our ability to feel and grow and heal.
In her book, Marie quotes Jillian Deri’s perspective on jealousy: “Jealousy is culturally associated with shame, low self-esteem, insecurity, and immature emotional development—all things that evoke a sense of vulnerability.” Jealousy often feels like a desperate need to cling to something we love, as if it might slip away if we don’t hold on tightly. Our nervous systems interpret this as a threat, one that feels overwhelming and even life-threatening. Self-compersion, however, helps train our nervous system to respond differently. By gently acknowledging our emotional responses, we reassure ourselves: “Hey, I see you’re feeling a big reaction right now. I understand why you’d feel this way. What do you need right now?” We speak to ourselves with the same care and understanding that we longed for from our earliest caregivers.
Since that night in July I’ve been practicing self-compersion regularly. When I wash the dishes before bed, I celebrate my Last Night Self in the morning when I walk into a clean kitchen. When I drop a bowl of food all over the floor, I giggle at myself and say “Oh you! Look at this silly little mess you made” and lovingly clean it up with and for myself while singing a silly little song. And sure, I still have very normal moments of humanness: anger, insecurities, fears of the unknown. But I also have a deep deep DEEP love for myself that is most of the time unshakeable. This practice of self-compersion helps me be more present, open, and loving to the world and all the people in it.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Molly Reagh (she/they) is an ever-evolving love bug, who feels less and less bound by labels as the days go by. She coaches and counsels people in connecting more deeply with themselves, healing wounded parts of themselves, and growing into new ways of relational being. Molly calls Sacramento home, where she's surrounded by a vibrant community of loved ones. When she's not deep in conversation about the human experience, you might find her foraging for mushrooms, improvising in the kitchen, or snuggled up with her fluffy orange cat, Howie.
